1 00:00:02,689 --> 00:00:04,205 ♪ She was unemployed, unhappy 2 00:00:04,207 --> 00:00:05,757 ♪ She had no cash 3 00:00:05,761 --> 00:00:08,657 ♪ Pretending to be classy, but just poor white trash ♪ 4 00:00:08,661 --> 00:00:10,001 ♪ The tragic but true fact is 5 00:00:10,007 --> 00:00:11,385 ♪ A bitter aging actress 6 00:00:11,388 --> 00:00:14,456 ♪ Whose agent just recently dropped her ♪ 7 00:00:14,460 --> 00:00:17,079 ♪ Sitting on her ass drinking cheap, boxed wine ♪ 8 00:00:17,082 --> 00:00:19,942 ♪ 'Til she took a bogus class while at home online ♪ 9 00:00:19,948 --> 00:00:22,808 ♪ Finished fast, came in last, barely passed ♪ 10 00:00:22,813 --> 00:00:26,122 ♪ Now the bitch calls herself a doctor ♪ 11 00:00:26,126 --> 00:00:29,056 ♪ Who woulda guess that this phony would treat ♪ 12 00:00:29,060 --> 00:00:32,956 ♪ The craziest of the showbiz elite ♪ 13 00:00:32,961 --> 00:00:35,960 ♪ And now the only thing more distant and more scary ♪ 14 00:00:35,964 --> 00:00:37,721 ♪ Is her slutty blonde assistant ♪ 15 00:00:37,723 --> 00:00:39,273 ♪ The dumb whore Sherry 16 00:00:39,277 --> 00:00:41,897 ♪ You don't wanna be on our client list ♪ 17 00:00:41,901 --> 00:00:44,969 ♪ It's Dr. Jackie 18 00:00:44,973 --> 00:00:49,013 ♪ The unlicensed psychotherapist ♪ 19 00:00:50,322 --> 00:00:51,592 [door thuds] 20 00:00:51,599 --> 00:00:53,219 Good morning, here's your mail. 21 00:00:53,222 --> 00:00:54,462 Anything important? 22 00:00:54,464 --> 00:00:57,498 Nuh, just the usual, mostly bills. 23 00:00:57,502 --> 00:01:00,259 Few letters from 14 year old cisgender white girls 24 00:01:00,263 --> 00:01:04,053 accusing you of being racist, transphobic and misogynistic. 25 00:01:04,060 --> 00:01:05,540 Uh huh. 26 00:01:05,544 --> 00:01:08,509 Oh, and there is this one from the LA Free Clinic 27 00:01:08,513 --> 00:01:09,923 I think you might wanna see. 28 00:01:13,552 --> 00:01:15,000 Shit. 29 00:01:15,002 --> 00:01:16,482 Yeah. 30 00:01:16,486 --> 00:01:19,416 But the good news is that your first session today 31 00:01:19,419 --> 00:01:21,315 is with Cher! 32 00:01:21,318 --> 00:01:23,972 All right. I realize that to you, 33 00:01:23,976 --> 00:01:26,665 Cher is an iconic glamorous, 34 00:01:26,669 --> 00:01:29,629 legendary Oscar-winning superstar. 35 00:01:29,637 --> 00:01:33,567 But to me, she's just another deeply disturbed patient. 36 00:01:33,571 --> 00:01:37,881 Well, on behalf of all the Cher fans everywhere, 37 00:01:37,887 --> 00:01:39,851 please help her. 38 00:01:39,854 --> 00:01:42,094 The world needs Cher. 39 00:01:42,098 --> 00:01:45,268 It really does. I'll do my best. 40 00:01:45,273 --> 00:01:46,893 Send her in when she gets here. 41 00:01:46,896 --> 00:01:49,239 [giggles excitedly] 42 00:01:49,242 --> 00:01:51,892 [paper ripping] 43 00:01:54,765 --> 00:01:58,764 [typewriter clicking] 44 00:01:58,769 --> 00:02:00,009 [Dr. Jackie] Hey honey, how are you doing? 45 00:02:00,011 --> 00:02:03,661 Whoo! Oh, you know, same old shit. 46 00:02:03,670 --> 00:02:06,428 Nothing's changed since we met yesterday? 47 00:02:06,432 --> 00:02:10,500 Oh, last night I was up all night staring at the ceiling. 48 00:02:10,505 --> 00:02:12,985 Just the same thoughts going around in my head 49 00:02:12,990 --> 00:02:14,575 again and again. 50 00:02:14,578 --> 00:02:15,715 Like what? 51 00:02:15,717 --> 00:02:18,537 Like what is iCloud? 52 00:02:18,547 --> 00:02:21,167 Or if there are Irish Wolfhounds, 53 00:02:21,170 --> 00:02:23,997 why aren't there Jewish Retrievers 54 00:02:24,001 --> 00:02:29,001 or if spirit animals are real, is the opposite true? 55 00:02:29,869 --> 00:02:31,316 And are there spirit humans? 56 00:02:31,318 --> 00:02:33,938 And somewhere in the, in the Congo, 57 00:02:33,942 --> 00:02:36,630 is there a bonobo ape that likes to pretend 58 00:02:36,633 --> 00:02:38,673 he's a balding accountant? 59 00:02:39,533 --> 00:02:41,943 We discussed this yesterday 60 00:02:41,950 --> 00:02:43,535 - Oh shit. - and the day before, 61 00:02:43,537 --> 00:02:45,294 and the week before that. 62 00:02:45,297 --> 00:02:48,296 Now, Cher, I don't know what's going on with you, 63 00:02:48,300 --> 00:02:51,368 but the reason you have all these things in your head, 64 00:02:51,372 --> 00:02:53,612 these things that don't matter 65 00:02:53,616 --> 00:02:55,063 is because you're not dealing 66 00:02:55,066 --> 00:02:56,546 with the things that do matter. 67 00:02:56,550 --> 00:03:00,480 Now, what is bothering you that you are not dealing with? 68 00:03:00,485 --> 00:03:02,105 You are good. 69 00:03:02,107 --> 00:03:04,277 You are so fucking good. 70 00:03:04,282 --> 00:03:05,453 What's that word? 71 00:03:05,455 --> 00:03:06,834 Durr. 72 00:03:06,836 --> 00:03:09,276 [gibbers] 73 00:03:09,287 --> 00:03:10,493 What's going on? 74 00:03:10,495 --> 00:03:11,942 I'm doing my best. I'm rattled. 75 00:03:11,944 --> 00:03:13,184 You always do your best. 76 00:03:13,187 --> 00:03:15,013 That's why you have a fucking Oscar. 77 00:03:15,016 --> 00:03:17,015 And a- I mean a People's Choice Award 78 00:03:17,018 --> 00:03:18,948 and a Golden Globe Award. 79 00:03:18,951 --> 00:03:20,019 All right, simmer down. 80 00:03:20,021 --> 00:03:22,361 All right. So here's the deal. 81 00:03:22,368 --> 00:03:23,718 I miss my friend. 82 00:03:25,130 --> 00:03:26,818 I miss Whitney Houston. 83 00:03:26,821 --> 00:03:29,889 We were close. Real close. 84 00:03:29,893 --> 00:03:33,858 Well, not close like her and her assistant. 85 00:03:33,863 --> 00:03:36,443 I miss my gal pal, okay? 86 00:03:36,451 --> 00:03:40,864 There's certain things I can only tell her. 87 00:03:40,870 --> 00:03:43,310 And I can't because she's dead. 88 00:03:44,700 --> 00:03:46,217 She's dead. - She's dead. 89 00:03:46,220 --> 00:03:47,630 - She's dead, dead. - She's dead. 90 00:03:47,634 --> 00:03:50,082 She's really fucking dead. 91 00:03:50,086 --> 00:03:51,878 Not alive anymore. 92 00:03:51,880 --> 00:03:53,600 You can't sit down and talk with her. 93 00:03:53,606 --> 00:03:55,536 I can't sit. I can't squat. 94 00:03:56,540 --> 00:03:57,640 Can't lean. 95 00:03:58,749 --> 00:04:00,229 I wanna try something. 96 00:04:00,234 --> 00:04:03,264 Not the keto diet 'cause I'm not fucking doing that. 97 00:04:03,271 --> 00:04:04,551 - No. - Okay. 98 00:04:05,756 --> 00:04:08,065 This is a mass marketed, 99 00:04:08,068 --> 00:04:12,168 generic talking to the dead board game. 100 00:04:12,176 --> 00:04:17,176 And I wanna use it to try to contact Whitney Houston. 101 00:04:18,354 --> 00:04:19,663 All right. Now, a lot of people may not know 102 00:04:19,666 --> 00:04:21,183 that you were best friends. 103 00:04:21,185 --> 00:04:23,595 And I understand what it's like to have that one friend 104 00:04:23,601 --> 00:04:26,290 that you can only say certain things to. 105 00:04:26,293 --> 00:04:27,775 - Yeah. - Yeah. 106 00:04:27,778 --> 00:04:31,598 They're nonjudgmental, anything goes. 107 00:04:31,609 --> 00:04:35,264 So let's get Whitney on the line, if you will. 108 00:04:35,268 --> 00:04:36,784 Let's fucking do it. 109 00:04:36,787 --> 00:04:38,507 [whispers] All right. 110 00:04:38,512 --> 00:04:40,856 Not a big fan of vulgarities. 111 00:04:40,860 --> 00:04:42,370 Okay, now we need to focus. 112 00:04:42,378 --> 00:04:43,239 Okay. 113 00:04:43,241 --> 00:04:44,201 [inhales deeply] 114 00:04:44,208 --> 00:04:45,482 We need to get in the mood. 115 00:04:45,484 --> 00:04:46,514 All right. 116 00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:47,588 We need to believe 117 00:04:47,590 --> 00:04:48,520 Do you b- 118 00:04:48,522 --> 00:04:49,935 No, we don't have the rights. 119 00:04:49,938 --> 00:04:51,247 All right. 120 00:04:51,249 --> 00:04:52,489 Whitney Houston. 121 00:04:53,630 --> 00:04:56,767 I'm here with your best girlfriend, Cher. 122 00:04:56,771 --> 00:04:58,770 She wants to discuss something with you 123 00:04:58,773 --> 00:05:01,673 that only you can help her with. 124 00:05:02,881 --> 00:05:03,741 Are you here? 125 00:05:03,744 --> 00:05:05,324 [tense ominous music] 126 00:05:05,332 --> 00:05:07,779 You see that? It went right to yes. 127 00:05:07,782 --> 00:05:09,022 Whoa. 128 00:05:09,025 --> 00:05:12,575 She's here. Whitney, I feel your spirit. 129 00:05:12,580 --> 00:05:14,470 But do you think you could possibly 130 00:05:14,479 --> 00:05:17,443 manifest yourself physically 131 00:05:17,447 --> 00:05:20,826 and talk to your friend? 132 00:05:20,830 --> 00:05:22,340 Please Whitney. 133 00:05:22,348 --> 00:05:25,657 Academy Award, People's Choice, what else was it? 134 00:05:25,662 --> 00:05:26,868 Golden Globe. 135 00:05:26,870 --> 00:05:28,940 Golden Globe Award winner Cher. 136 00:05:29,804 --> 00:05:32,734 [thunder rumbles] 137 00:05:32,738 --> 00:05:33,638 She's here! 138 00:05:36,017 --> 00:05:37,667 Oh my god. 139 00:05:37,674 --> 00:05:38,504 Whit! 140 00:05:39,468 --> 00:05:41,088 Whit! 141 00:05:41,091 --> 00:05:41,921 Oh my god. 142 00:05:43,162 --> 00:05:44,502 I'm here for you, girlfriend. 143 00:05:44,508 --> 00:05:45,748 What is it? 144 00:05:45,750 --> 00:05:49,336 Whit, I am so glad you're here. 145 00:05:49,341 --> 00:05:52,546 There are only certain things that I could tell you. 146 00:05:52,550 --> 00:05:53,440 Open up. Share. 147 00:05:53,448 --> 00:05:55,344 [ominous music climaxes] 148 00:05:55,347 --> 00:05:57,377 Should I shave my puss? 149 00:05:58,384 --> 00:05:59,254 What? 150 00:06:01,766 --> 00:06:05,283 You summoned me from beyond the grave to ask me that? 151 00:06:05,288 --> 00:06:08,493 Yeah. I mean all the really hot young guys 152 00:06:08,497 --> 00:06:11,837 wanna bang a bald basement, don't they? 153 00:06:11,845 --> 00:06:12,913 Who cares what they want. 154 00:06:12,915 --> 00:06:15,225 You are Cher for fuck's sake. 155 00:06:15,228 --> 00:06:18,227 Up to this point, you have never changed for anyone. 156 00:06:18,231 --> 00:06:19,781 You have not had any work done 157 00:06:19,784 --> 00:06:22,473 or altered your appearance in any way. 158 00:06:22,477 --> 00:06:24,028 Yeah. 159 00:06:24,030 --> 00:06:28,060 I did it. I went to see Dr. Max Lehfeldt at Radiance Spa. 160 00:06:28,068 --> 00:06:31,033 He offers surgical and non-surgical aesthetic treatment 161 00:06:31,037 --> 00:06:32,757 for face and body. 162 00:06:32,763 --> 00:06:36,793 We're talking rejuvenation, antiaging, and body sculpting. 163 00:06:36,801 --> 00:06:39,421 So call Dr. Max today. 164 00:06:39,424 --> 00:06:40,975 [dings] 165 00:06:40,978 --> 00:06:43,218 You know, one time Bobby asked me to shave my bush 166 00:06:43,221 --> 00:06:45,181 in the shape of the letter B for him. 167 00:06:45,189 --> 00:06:47,498 Do I look like a fucking monogram towel? 168 00:06:47,501 --> 00:06:48,638 No, you do not. 169 00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:49,570 Yeah. 170 00:06:49,572 --> 00:06:52,536 So I told him to kiss my ass. 171 00:06:52,540 --> 00:06:54,160 I said, if I'm gonna shave my bush 172 00:06:54,163 --> 00:06:55,743 in the shape of the letter B, 173 00:06:55,750 --> 00:06:57,715 it's not gonna be so you can brand me like, 174 00:06:57,718 --> 00:06:59,338 like some heffa you own, 175 00:06:59,341 --> 00:07:02,441 it's gonna be to remind you that I'm that bitch. 176 00:07:02,447 --> 00:07:05,417 Right on. And what did he say? 177 00:07:06,899 --> 00:07:09,967 I don't remember. We, we were doing a lot of drugs 178 00:07:09,971 --> 00:07:10,901 but not crack! 179 00:07:11,766 --> 00:07:13,869 Okay, crack is whack. 180 00:07:13,872 --> 00:07:15,732 So show me the receipts. 181 00:07:15,736 --> 00:07:16,766 You know what it's like. 182 00:07:16,771 --> 00:07:18,401 You were married to Greg Allman. 183 00:07:20,431 --> 00:07:21,431 I was? 184 00:07:23,157 --> 00:07:25,467 Oh yeah. I was. 185 00:07:26,540 --> 00:07:28,022 Do you feel better? 186 00:07:28,024 --> 00:07:30,674 I really do. [laughs] 187 00:07:32,097 --> 00:07:33,537 Oh my God. 188 00:07:33,546 --> 00:07:35,546 And thank you, Durr Jackie. 189 00:07:36,895 --> 00:07:41,101 Hey, wait a minute. Where's your mole? 190 00:07:41,106 --> 00:07:42,856 [ominous music] 191 00:07:42,866 --> 00:07:44,210 - What mole? - Mole? 192 00:07:44,212 --> 00:07:45,622 Yeah, your mole. 193 00:07:45,627 --> 00:07:48,040 You know the one you always cover with makeup, 194 00:07:48,044 --> 00:07:52,214 but that only real close friends and family know about? 195 00:07:52,220 --> 00:07:54,288 - Oh, oh, oh my mole. - Your mole. 196 00:07:54,291 --> 00:07:55,251 My mole, 197 00:07:55,258 --> 00:07:56,464 [gibbers] 198 00:07:56,466 --> 00:07:57,465 you were talking about my mole. 199 00:07:57,467 --> 00:07:59,293 [gibbers] 200 00:07:59,296 --> 00:08:00,433 My mole. - Your mole. 201 00:08:00,435 --> 00:08:01,365 My mole. 202 00:08:01,367 --> 00:08:03,497 [gibbers] 203 00:08:05,164 --> 00:08:06,884 When, when you go to heaven, you see, [gibbers] 204 00:08:06,889 --> 00:08:08,923 Snap out of it! 205 00:08:08,926 --> 00:08:10,266 [smacks face] 206 00:08:10,273 --> 00:08:13,651 Oh my god. You're not Whitney. 207 00:08:13,655 --> 00:08:15,895 You can't slap a ghost. 208 00:08:15,898 --> 00:08:18,070 Your hand goes right through them. 209 00:08:18,073 --> 00:08:19,343 Everybody knows that. 210 00:08:19,351 --> 00:08:21,867 Okay, now don't freak out, Cher. 211 00:08:21,870 --> 00:08:26,280 Don't freak out? I am so confused. 212 00:08:26,288 --> 00:08:29,942 I have not been this confused since Chaz. 213 00:08:29,947 --> 00:08:31,837 Let me finish. 214 00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:35,335 Tried to explain the end of that movie Inception to me. 215 00:08:36,160 --> 00:08:37,779 What the fuck was that? 216 00:08:37,782 --> 00:08:39,882 I am so sorry, Dr. Jackie. 217 00:08:39,888 --> 00:08:42,058 I had no idea Whitney had a mole. 218 00:08:42,062 --> 00:08:43,475 I didn't either. It's not your fault. 219 00:08:43,477 --> 00:08:45,786 I just Googled it and nothing comes up. 220 00:08:45,790 --> 00:08:48,820 What the hell's going on? Are you two in cahoots? 221 00:08:48,828 --> 00:08:51,517 No, we are both wearing normal pants. 222 00:08:51,520 --> 00:08:53,415 Now, listen, Cher. 223 00:08:53,418 --> 00:08:55,176 You've been coming to me for a long time 224 00:08:55,179 --> 00:08:58,209 and I have used all sorts of different methods 225 00:08:58,216 --> 00:09:02,146 to try to help you like role playing and hypnosis 226 00:09:02,151 --> 00:09:03,561 and uh, 227 00:09:03,566 --> 00:09:06,151 remember that little anatomically correct doll 228 00:09:06,155 --> 00:09:08,945 wearing the Bob Mackie sequin gown? 229 00:09:08,950 --> 00:09:09,880 Yeah. 230 00:09:09,882 --> 00:09:11,881 They all worked. Remember? 231 00:09:11,884 --> 00:09:13,263 And this worked. 232 00:09:13,266 --> 00:09:14,437 - Yeah. - Yeah. 233 00:09:14,439 --> 00:09:15,539 You had a breakthrough. 234 00:09:15,544 --> 00:09:16,991 I did. 235 00:09:16,993 --> 00:09:20,303 This is a therapy actress. Her name is Danielle. 236 00:09:22,101 --> 00:09:23,549 Wow. 237 00:09:23,552 --> 00:09:26,412 It was a risk on my part to go to this extreme. 238 00:09:26,417 --> 00:09:27,657 But it worked. 239 00:09:27,659 --> 00:09:29,382 You feel better. 240 00:09:29,384 --> 00:09:30,314 I really do. 241 00:09:30,316 --> 00:09:32,036 You made a breakthrough! 242 00:09:32,042 --> 00:09:33,282 I did! 243 00:09:33,285 --> 00:09:37,560 All right. Then the ends justify the means. 244 00:09:37,565 --> 00:09:39,701 As long as that doesn't mean I have to do anal, 245 00:09:39,705 --> 00:09:41,595 'cause I'm not doing that. 246 00:09:45,297 --> 00:09:47,297 I feel so much better. 247 00:09:48,265 --> 00:09:49,955 Wait a goddamn minute. 248 00:09:51,406 --> 00:09:54,816 Does that mean that wasn't Sonny's ghost last week? 249 00:09:54,823 --> 00:09:56,513 Uh, that was me. 250 00:09:57,481 --> 00:10:00,511 Damn. She's good. 251 00:10:00,519 --> 00:10:03,449 [funky jazz music] 252 00:10:06,594 --> 00:10:08,420 Do you need some chapstick? 253 00:10:08,423 --> 00:10:09,833 What are you talking about? 254 00:10:14,912 --> 00:10:16,359 [phone rings] 255 00:10:16,362 --> 00:10:17,462 Hey honey, what's up? 256 00:10:17,467 --> 00:10:19,604 Dr. Jackie, Dr. Jackie Beat. 257 00:10:19,607 --> 00:10:22,054 It's Jackie Weaver here. 258 00:10:22,057 --> 00:10:23,504 Uh, I need your advice. 259 00:10:23,507 --> 00:10:24,885 Mm hm? 260 00:10:24,887 --> 00:10:26,677 Um, people keep stopping me in the street 261 00:10:26,682 --> 00:10:30,332 mistaking me for you because same first name, 262 00:10:30,341 --> 00:10:32,374 both in the movie Stage Mother. 263 00:10:32,377 --> 00:10:33,583 Okay? 264 00:10:33,586 --> 00:10:35,275 How do I politely explain to these people, 265 00:10:35,277 --> 00:10:37,857 who think I'm you, uh, that I'm not you? 266 00:10:37,866 --> 00:10:39,416 All right now, listen, 267 00:10:39,419 --> 00:10:41,383 I can totally relate to what you're going through. 268 00:10:41,386 --> 00:10:44,213 If I had a dollar for every time somebody came up to me 269 00:10:44,217 --> 00:10:46,627 on the street and mistook me for JLo, 270 00:10:46,633 --> 00:10:49,287 I wouldn't have to do this stupid job. 271 00:10:49,291 --> 00:10:50,801 Here's what you do, all right? 272 00:10:50,810 --> 00:10:53,843 The next time it happens, you look them right in the eye. 273 00:10:53,847 --> 00:10:57,017 And you say, I am not Dr. Jackie. 274 00:10:57,023 --> 00:11:00,918 I am two-time Academy Award nominee, Jackie Weaver. 275 00:11:00,922 --> 00:11:03,022 I've been in movies like Animal Kingdom, 276 00:11:03,029 --> 00:11:04,717 Silver Linings Playbook 277 00:11:04,719 --> 00:11:07,929 and the legendary Picnic at Hanging Rock, biatch! 278 00:11:09,104 --> 00:11:11,344 Add the biatch. That always works. 279 00:11:11,347 --> 00:11:14,587 Thank you, Dr. Jackie, you always have the best advice. 280 00:11:14,592 --> 00:11:16,797 You're my hero. And I love you. 281 00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:17,937 Glad to be of help. 282 00:11:17,939 --> 00:11:20,209 [phone beeps] 283 00:11:20,217 --> 00:11:21,044 Phew. 284 00:11:21,046 --> 00:11:23,631 [bright upbeat music] 285 00:11:23,635 --> 00:11:25,805 [keyboard clicking] 286 00:11:25,809 --> 00:11:28,049 Oh, good afternoon. How was your lunch? 287 00:11:28,053 --> 00:11:29,259 I got hung up at the bank, 288 00:11:29,261 --> 00:11:31,221 so I didn't even get a chance to eat. 289 00:11:31,228 --> 00:11:32,398 Oh, that's weird 'cause you have 290 00:11:32,402 --> 00:11:34,472 a little barbecue sauce right- 291 00:11:35,647 --> 00:11:38,087 I had one chicken wing, Judge Judy. 292 00:11:38,097 --> 00:11:40,338 They were giving out free samples. 293 00:11:40,341 --> 00:11:41,681 At the bank? 294 00:11:41,688 --> 00:11:42,968 [mockingly] At the bank? 295 00:11:45,104 --> 00:11:46,974 What's my afternoon look like? 296 00:11:48,418 --> 00:11:53,388 A Tammie Brown and her show business manager, Sheila. 297 00:11:54,527 --> 00:11:56,664 Sounds like more workplace drama to me. 298 00:11:56,667 --> 00:11:59,797 Aren't you glad that we don't have any of that tension here? 299 00:12:01,775 --> 00:12:03,705 Well, send them in when they get here. 300 00:12:03,709 --> 00:12:06,466 And uh, could you find me a granola bar or something 301 00:12:06,470 --> 00:12:08,848 so I don't nod off during their session 302 00:12:08,851 --> 00:12:10,741 from low blood sugar. 303 00:12:11,889 --> 00:12:15,095 FYI. Barbecue sauce is full of sugar. 304 00:12:15,099 --> 00:12:16,959 Oh, thank you so much. 305 00:12:16,963 --> 00:12:19,823 And if I ever need any more nutritional information, 306 00:12:19,828 --> 00:12:23,792 I'll be sure not to ask you. 307 00:12:23,797 --> 00:12:25,693 No problem. Glad to help. 308 00:12:25,696 --> 00:12:28,696 [keyboard clicking] 309 00:12:33,635 --> 00:12:36,835 [typewriter clicks] 310 00:12:36,845 --> 00:12:38,085 Hello ladies. Welcome. 311 00:12:38,087 --> 00:12:39,845 Can I get either of you some water? 312 00:12:39,848 --> 00:12:41,158 I don't drink water. 313 00:12:47,684 --> 00:12:48,648 Okay? 314 00:12:48,649 --> 00:12:49,679 I would've brought you some, 315 00:12:49,685 --> 00:12:51,235 but I don't have another glass. 316 00:12:51,238 --> 00:12:53,618 And she always comes prepared, as you can see. 317 00:12:54,828 --> 00:12:56,928 Seems to be part of the problem, right? 318 00:12:56,934 --> 00:12:58,484 Salud. 319 00:12:58,487 --> 00:13:00,865 Let's get the party started. Which one of you is Sheila? 320 00:13:00,868 --> 00:13:02,039 I am. 321 00:13:02,042 --> 00:13:03,592 Sheila. Now you're- 322 00:13:03,595 --> 00:13:05,695 Now if you're a psychic, I thought you would know that. 323 00:13:05,701 --> 00:13:07,321 How many fingers am I holding up? 324 00:13:09,463 --> 00:13:12,393 Uh, that means fuck you. 325 00:13:12,397 --> 00:13:14,707 See, if she was a real good psychic she would've known 326 00:13:14,710 --> 00:13:16,190 how many fingers I was holding up. 327 00:13:16,194 --> 00:13:19,055 Well, if you had a crystal ball, I'd hope you'd sniff it. 328 00:13:19,058 --> 00:13:21,118 Okay. I'm not a psychic. 329 00:13:21,129 --> 00:13:22,370 Oh, you're not a psychic. 330 00:13:22,373 --> 00:13:24,923 I'm not a psychic. I'm a psychotherapist. 331 00:13:24,926 --> 00:13:26,374 A psychotherapist? 332 00:13:26,377 --> 00:13:27,547 Psychotherapist is what she said. 333 00:13:27,550 --> 00:13:29,820 Wait, you're a therapist for psychos? 334 00:13:30,795 --> 00:13:32,275 - Yes. - Oh no, no, no, no. 335 00:13:32,278 --> 00:13:34,381 I didn't agree or sign up to no therapy session. 336 00:13:34,384 --> 00:13:35,624 Let me calm you down. 337 00:13:35,627 --> 00:13:37,137 You told me we were coming to see a psychic. 338 00:13:37,145 --> 00:13:39,006 I don't know what's going on here, but we got off to- 339 00:13:39,009 --> 00:13:41,249 We're like Thelma and Louise. We're like ride or dies. 340 00:13:41,253 --> 00:13:42,733 So try to come between us. 341 00:13:42,738 --> 00:13:43,874 - You're- - Now- 342 00:13:43,876 --> 00:13:44,736 Yeah? 343 00:13:44,740 --> 00:13:45,670 - No- - Yes? 344 00:13:45,672 --> 00:13:46,464 What? - Uh huh. 345 00:13:46,465 --> 00:13:47,395 That's what I thought 346 00:13:47,397 --> 00:13:48,187 Yeah that's what I thought. 347 00:13:48,191 --> 00:13:49,601 Mm hm. 348 00:13:49,606 --> 00:13:51,018 All right, now you touching my shoulder like that 349 00:13:51,021 --> 00:13:52,151 is triggering me. 350 00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:53,815 Is that what I'm supposed to do is share? 351 00:13:53,818 --> 00:13:55,058 Let's not do anything 352 00:13:55,060 --> 00:13:57,818 that makes the other one uncomfortable. Like- 353 00:13:57,821 --> 00:14:00,026 I was just kidding. I don't mind really, but that's- 354 00:14:00,030 --> 00:14:01,890 Except for the drinking. 355 00:14:01,894 --> 00:14:04,064 Well, that is the problem is that she, you know, 356 00:14:04,069 --> 00:14:06,482 and she's, she's always getting misled. 357 00:14:06,485 --> 00:14:08,965 Some pipeline dream, some scheme. 358 00:14:08,969 --> 00:14:12,348 You tell me we weren't gonna bring up the drinking. 359 00:14:12,353 --> 00:14:13,523 - I'm sorry. - Now I'm not gonna stay 360 00:14:13,526 --> 00:14:15,042 if we're gonna continue talking about it. 361 00:14:15,044 --> 00:14:18,214 Well, I just think about, well, I mean, it's true, 362 00:14:18,221 --> 00:14:20,391 but she's gotten the shakes. 363 00:14:20,395 --> 00:14:23,601 She dragged me here because she says 364 00:14:23,605 --> 00:14:25,914 that we don't communicate well. 365 00:14:25,917 --> 00:14:27,017 Okay. 366 00:14:27,022 --> 00:14:28,572 I think we communicate just fine. 367 00:14:28,576 --> 00:14:31,782 I say it like it is, and that's how it is. 368 00:14:31,786 --> 00:14:34,405 And she does say it like it is. 369 00:14:34,408 --> 00:14:37,993 And I do what she says all the time, round and round. 370 00:14:37,998 --> 00:14:39,718 Here we go. What's next? 371 00:14:39,725 --> 00:14:43,241 Oh my god, jalapeno jelly, fiesta in every bite. 372 00:14:43,245 --> 00:14:44,761 Mm that was really good, wasn't it? 373 00:14:44,764 --> 00:14:47,104 Well, she's worried that we made a few people go blind, 374 00:14:47,111 --> 00:14:49,869 but we don't distribute it anymore 375 00:14:49,873 --> 00:14:51,320 after the lawsuits and everything. 376 00:14:51,322 --> 00:14:53,872 But that's neither here nor there, you are not an attorney. 377 00:14:53,877 --> 00:14:55,841 I am not anymore. 378 00:14:55,844 --> 00:14:57,494 So we're not here to talk about the lawsuits. 379 00:14:57,500 --> 00:15:00,016 We're not here to talk about the lawsuits. 380 00:15:00,020 --> 00:15:01,710 I don't feel appreciated. 381 00:15:03,092 --> 00:15:06,882 I do a lot for her and her career and her family. 382 00:15:06,889 --> 00:15:09,888 And uh, I feel like everything I do 383 00:15:09,892 --> 00:15:13,891 for her and them is worth 50%. 384 00:15:13,896 --> 00:15:15,343 Well, how much do you take? 385 00:15:15,346 --> 00:15:16,686 50%. 386 00:15:16,692 --> 00:15:20,242 All right, Sheila, you feel as Tammie's manager 387 00:15:20,247 --> 00:15:21,729 that you are not appreciated. 388 00:15:21,731 --> 00:15:24,281 Now, Tammy, what's your side of the story? 389 00:15:24,286 --> 00:15:28,492 The thing is, Sheila's always misleading me. 390 00:15:28,497 --> 00:15:31,116 She has a kind heart, but she, 391 00:15:31,119 --> 00:15:35,699 she ends up in the wrong place and I'm at the right time. 392 00:15:35,711 --> 00:15:37,020 I make us a lot of money 393 00:15:37,022 --> 00:15:38,986 and she should be appreciative of that 394 00:15:38,989 --> 00:15:42,259 because I don't even make her pay taxes. 395 00:15:42,268 --> 00:15:44,819 She had a number one single on iTunes called 396 00:15:44,823 --> 00:15:46,373 Porta Potty Prostitute. 397 00:15:46,376 --> 00:15:47,856 And then after that 398 00:15:47,861 --> 00:15:49,825 we have See You in the Magazines that's charting. 399 00:15:49,828 --> 00:15:51,998 Someone just saw a Porta Potty Prostitute 400 00:15:52,002 --> 00:15:54,139 in the bargain bin of the 99 Cents Store 401 00:15:54,142 --> 00:15:56,002 the other day or the dollar bin. 402 00:15:56,006 --> 00:15:57,346 - Oh. - And so we. 403 00:15:57,352 --> 00:15:58,524 Isn't that the only bin they would have, 404 00:15:58,526 --> 00:16:00,416 if it's a dollar store? 405 00:16:00,424 --> 00:16:01,699 I didn't think of that. 406 00:16:01,701 --> 00:16:03,631 Okay, ladies, I see what's happening here. 407 00:16:03,634 --> 00:16:05,323 I have to be litigious all the time 408 00:16:05,326 --> 00:16:09,325 and I don't get a chance to be fun or sexy. 409 00:16:09,330 --> 00:16:12,467 And she likes to shop at Ross. 410 00:16:12,471 --> 00:16:14,671 I don't shop at Ross. I shop at Marshall's. 411 00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:16,368 Listen, here's the problem. 412 00:16:16,371 --> 00:16:18,681 You're obviously not communicating. 413 00:16:18,684 --> 00:16:22,510 You need to understand what it's like to be a manager 414 00:16:22,515 --> 00:16:25,825 for someone like you, you said like always dreaming, 415 00:16:25,829 --> 00:16:28,207 you know, the pipe going to a pipe, pipe dream or some- 416 00:16:28,210 --> 00:16:29,450 Pipe scheme, pipe dream, you know? 417 00:16:29,453 --> 00:16:31,245 Yeah. If I had a manager, 418 00:16:31,247 --> 00:16:33,067 if I was in show business and I had a manager, 419 00:16:33,077 --> 00:16:35,869 I would want that kind of a person, dream big. 420 00:16:35,873 --> 00:16:38,003 - Thank you. - I'm not taking sides here. 421 00:16:38,013 --> 00:16:39,184 I'm just saying- 422 00:16:39,186 --> 00:16:40,806 You just took aside and I like that. 423 00:16:40,809 --> 00:16:42,118 I mean, didn't you watch that movie 424 00:16:42,120 --> 00:16:44,220 with Gladys Knight and pipe dream? 425 00:16:45,192 --> 00:16:46,122 No. 426 00:16:46,124 --> 00:16:47,364 Well, it's the same issue. 427 00:16:47,367 --> 00:16:48,987 Gladys Knight is an actress now? 428 00:16:48,990 --> 00:16:51,160 She was, I have the single at the house to prove it, 429 00:16:51,164 --> 00:16:52,508 the album, Pipe Dream. 430 00:16:52,510 --> 00:16:54,509 Okay. That's not acting, that's singing. 431 00:16:54,512 --> 00:16:55,782 Okay, listen. 432 00:16:55,790 --> 00:16:57,651 It's a movie. She was in the movie Pipe Dream. 433 00:16:57,653 --> 00:16:58,473 See? 434 00:16:58,481 --> 00:16:59,756 No it's about- 435 00:16:59,758 --> 00:17:01,516 And this it's why I drink right here. 436 00:17:01,519 --> 00:17:02,966 You understand what I'm saying now? 437 00:17:02,969 --> 00:17:04,209 Okay let's just- 438 00:17:04,211 --> 00:17:05,411 She already has you twirlin' and whirlin' 439 00:17:05,419 --> 00:17:06,970 here in this jungle and you don't even know 440 00:17:06,973 --> 00:17:08,213 what she's talking about. 441 00:17:08,215 --> 00:17:10,075 Twirlin', whirlin' here in your jungle. 442 00:17:10,079 --> 00:17:11,975 Well, I find the plants are soothing. 443 00:17:11,977 --> 00:17:13,937 Well, I'm glad I wore my war outfit 444 00:17:13,945 --> 00:17:15,219 because I'm ready for it. 445 00:17:15,222 --> 00:17:16,462 Mm hm. 446 00:17:16,465 --> 00:17:17,705 Camouflage. I can barely see ya. 447 00:17:17,707 --> 00:17:18,947 [laughs] 448 00:17:18,950 --> 00:17:20,638 And I was, I was so concerned because I, 449 00:17:20,641 --> 00:17:23,295 I didn't want her to blend into the green screen. 450 00:17:23,299 --> 00:17:24,678 If you know what I mean. 451 00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:25,920 - I don't. - Floating around. 452 00:17:25,922 --> 00:17:27,952 This is a real set. It's not a green screen. 453 00:17:27,959 --> 00:17:29,958 I don't know what you do on your TV show, Tammie. 454 00:17:29,961 --> 00:17:33,371 But oh, anyway, this says a lot, camouflage. 455 00:17:33,378 --> 00:17:34,619 She's onto something. 456 00:17:34,621 --> 00:17:37,101 Camouflage, like trying to disappear. 457 00:17:37,105 --> 00:17:39,375 Blend in. I'll be back here. 458 00:17:39,383 --> 00:17:41,451 Perfect for a manager role. 459 00:17:41,454 --> 00:17:44,695 Then you've got the bold graphic, you know, 460 00:17:44,700 --> 00:17:47,180 print and the, the bright hair. 461 00:17:47,184 --> 00:17:48,701 So we have the star. 462 00:17:48,704 --> 00:17:52,214 Now we always need help behind the star. Okay? 463 00:17:52,224 --> 00:17:53,706 But here's the problem. 464 00:17:53,709 --> 00:17:56,049 You two are speaking different languages. 465 00:17:56,056 --> 00:17:59,466 You don't understand where the other one is coming from. 466 00:17:59,472 --> 00:18:01,920 So what I'm gonna do is we're gonna play 467 00:18:01,924 --> 00:18:04,233 a little game of role playing. 468 00:18:04,236 --> 00:18:08,406 Now role playing is something that I actually invented. 469 00:18:08,412 --> 00:18:09,446 You invented that? 470 00:18:09,448 --> 00:18:11,447 So you're gonna switch places. 471 00:18:11,450 --> 00:18:15,070 Now, Sheila, you're going to be Tammie. 472 00:18:15,075 --> 00:18:17,349 And Tammie, you're gonna be Sheila. 473 00:18:17,352 --> 00:18:19,692 Tammie, you get to speak first. 474 00:18:19,699 --> 00:18:20,905 Well- 475 00:18:20,907 --> 00:18:22,417 - Tammie, this is Tammie. - Oh! 476 00:18:22,426 --> 00:18:23,356 Oh, I'm Tammie. 477 00:18:23,358 --> 00:18:24,908 Yes. 478 00:18:24,911 --> 00:18:26,358 And you want me to say the things that she says to me? 479 00:18:26,361 --> 00:18:27,181 Yes. 480 00:18:27,189 --> 00:18:28,059 Okay. 481 00:18:29,502 --> 00:18:31,536 [in Tammie's voice] Sheila, I don't know if I'll be able 482 00:18:31,539 --> 00:18:35,679 to do all that because I wear a lot of hats and [gibbers] 483 00:18:38,580 --> 00:18:41,760 [gibberish continues] 484 00:18:43,274 --> 00:18:44,963 That's all I hear. 485 00:18:44,966 --> 00:18:47,516 It's like a cartoon on crack cocaine. 486 00:18:47,519 --> 00:18:52,415 Phew. It's your turn. Tammie, you are now Sheila. 487 00:18:52,421 --> 00:18:53,661 [in Sheila's voice] Well, 488 00:18:53,664 --> 00:18:55,144 'cause she has that little country accent. 489 00:18:55,148 --> 00:18:56,595 Well, can I get you? 490 00:18:56,597 --> 00:18:58,872 Uh, let me g-get you this contract right here. 491 00:18:58,876 --> 00:19:01,116 And I'm gonna go back there and sniff this 492 00:19:01,120 --> 00:19:03,290 and then you're gonna do what I say to do 493 00:19:03,294 --> 00:19:06,464 because you owe me $45,000. 494 00:19:09,162 --> 00:19:10,132 Where's the lie? 495 00:19:11,267 --> 00:19:14,647 Hey Chico, do you know any cocaine addicts? 496 00:19:15,823 --> 00:19:18,683 Are you still Sheila or- 497 00:19:18,688 --> 00:19:21,618 There's a slight bit of schizophrenia in there. 498 00:19:21,622 --> 00:19:22,862 Yes. 499 00:19:22,865 --> 00:19:25,553 Okay. Well that role playing went so well 500 00:19:25,557 --> 00:19:29,970 that I'd like to try another exercise, if you don't mind. 501 00:19:29,975 --> 00:19:34,765 Have you all heard of the Rorschach inkblot test? 502 00:19:34,773 --> 00:19:38,531 No, I don't do nothing from Russia or anything like that. 503 00:19:38,536 --> 00:19:40,673 Okay. Well he was Swedish. 504 00:19:40,676 --> 00:19:41,606 Okay. Well- 505 00:19:41,608 --> 00:19:42,538 Do you like a Swedish massage? 506 00:19:42,540 --> 00:19:43,918 Do you like a Swedish meatball? 507 00:19:43,920 --> 00:19:45,160 I don't know. 508 00:19:45,163 --> 00:19:49,127 Why don't we move on to the inkblot test? 509 00:19:49,132 --> 00:19:52,922 This is where I hold up a random inkblot image. 510 00:19:52,929 --> 00:19:56,199 And you tell me what you see. Okay? 511 00:19:56,208 --> 00:19:58,897 I think this is gonna help me know each of you 512 00:19:58,901 --> 00:20:00,313 a little better. 513 00:20:00,315 --> 00:20:01,555 Just look her straight in the eyes. 514 00:20:01,558 --> 00:20:03,798 No. Can I just point out Sheila? 515 00:20:03,801 --> 00:20:04,766 Yes. 516 00:20:04,768 --> 00:20:06,008 - I respect you. - Sheila, me? 517 00:20:06,011 --> 00:20:07,901 No, not, you're not Sheila anymore. 518 00:20:07,910 --> 00:20:09,322 I'm role playing. 519 00:20:09,324 --> 00:20:12,424 - Not anymore. - You're not me more. 520 00:20:12,431 --> 00:20:14,016 We don't know who she's gonna be now. 521 00:20:14,019 --> 00:20:16,779 Okay. Now let's do the fucking inkblot. I'm sorry. 522 00:20:17,884 --> 00:20:20,711 I'm a professional. Let's do this. 523 00:20:20,715 --> 00:20:23,195 Tammie, what do you see? [Sheila burps] 524 00:20:23,201 --> 00:20:26,201 I see, I see a tree. 525 00:20:27,618 --> 00:20:30,652 It's a radioactive mushroom cloud. 526 00:20:30,656 --> 00:20:34,034 Okay. Tammie, what do you see? 527 00:20:34,038 --> 00:20:36,175 I see angels. 528 00:20:36,178 --> 00:20:37,068 Okay. 529 00:20:37,076 --> 00:20:37,876 God. 530 00:20:38,974 --> 00:20:40,244 I see Satan. 531 00:20:40,251 --> 00:20:43,811 Well, technically Satan was an angel. 532 00:20:45,153 --> 00:20:46,117 Spoiler alert. 533 00:20:46,119 --> 00:20:47,669 Mm hm. Spoiler alert. 534 00:20:47,673 --> 00:20:51,533 And finally, Tammie, what do you see here? 535 00:20:51,538 --> 00:20:54,848 Wow. I see the most beautiful Monarch butterfly. 536 00:20:57,371 --> 00:20:58,851 Sheila? 537 00:20:58,856 --> 00:21:03,406 I see a toddler trapped underneath the 1978 Ford Taurus. 538 00:21:05,276 --> 00:21:09,275 It's mother desperately trying to rescue its body 539 00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:11,245 from underneath the burning wreckage 540 00:21:11,248 --> 00:21:14,108 before the flames hit the gas tank. 541 00:21:14,113 --> 00:21:17,353 But it's too late. They explode. 542 00:21:18,737 --> 00:21:23,087 Limbs flying everywhere is what I see. 543 00:21:26,297 --> 00:21:27,399 What? 544 00:21:27,401 --> 00:21:29,021 Tammie, please. 545 00:21:29,023 --> 00:21:31,743 There are no right or wrong answers. 546 00:21:31,750 --> 00:21:35,404 There are simply sick and unsick answers. 547 00:21:35,409 --> 00:21:39,749 But in this case, Sheila, I'm afraid you are wrong. 548 00:21:39,758 --> 00:21:41,964 This is clearly a butterfly. 549 00:21:41,967 --> 00:21:43,725 Okay, I get it. 550 00:21:43,728 --> 00:21:46,688 But I don't get this. What does all this mean? 551 00:21:46,696 --> 00:21:51,666 Well, I'm no doctor, but it means you are fucking crazy. 552 00:21:53,116 --> 00:21:54,666 Tammie, please. 553 00:21:54,670 --> 00:21:57,150 We do not use that word. 554 00:21:57,155 --> 00:21:59,050 Sheila, it means you're crazy. 555 00:21:59,053 --> 00:22:00,811 There's no need for vulgarities. 556 00:22:00,814 --> 00:22:02,984 Okay. Fine, fine. Whatever. 557 00:22:02,988 --> 00:22:05,987 I'm crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy. 558 00:22:05,991 --> 00:22:08,091 One floor over the cuckoo's nest. 559 00:22:08,097 --> 00:22:10,337 How do I fix it, psychic? 560 00:22:10,340 --> 00:22:11,720 You may wanna start by 561 00:22:12,790 --> 00:22:14,617 stopping drinking? 562 00:22:14,620 --> 00:22:15,895 Okay. No. Uh uh. 563 00:22:15,897 --> 00:22:17,275 No. That's where I draw the line. 564 00:22:17,278 --> 00:22:19,238 I am not gonna pay anyone to tell me 565 00:22:19,246 --> 00:22:20,865 that my drinking is a problem 566 00:22:20,867 --> 00:22:22,037 because it's not a problem. 567 00:22:22,041 --> 00:22:23,522 It's my medicine. 568 00:22:23,525 --> 00:22:26,283 This is perfect because we're actually out of time. 569 00:22:26,287 --> 00:22:27,767 Good. 570 00:22:27,771 --> 00:22:29,251 I wanna see you ladies at least four times a week 571 00:22:29,256 --> 00:22:31,461 over the next 10 years. 572 00:22:31,464 --> 00:22:33,774 Well, that sounds like a plan to me. 573 00:22:33,777 --> 00:22:35,465 Well, good luck because I can't promise 574 00:22:35,468 --> 00:22:36,916 I'm gonna be alive that long. 575 00:22:36,918 --> 00:22:38,398 Doctor Jackie. 576 00:22:38,402 --> 00:22:41,470 I cannot promise you that I will be alive next week. 577 00:22:41,474 --> 00:22:42,714 Doctor Jackie. 578 00:22:42,717 --> 00:22:44,267 I can't even promise you that I will be alive 579 00:22:44,270 --> 00:22:45,855 in the next 30 minutes. 580 00:22:45,858 --> 00:22:47,338 Doctor Jackie. 581 00:22:47,342 --> 00:22:48,478 You're not getting no more than a copay from me. 582 00:22:48,480 --> 00:22:49,750 30 minutes. 583 00:22:49,758 --> 00:22:51,861 You are getting a copay and that is it. 584 00:22:51,864 --> 00:22:53,134 Get your hands off me. 585 00:22:53,141 --> 00:22:54,588 That really triggers you though, doesn't it? 586 00:22:54,590 --> 00:22:57,175 That really triggers you, doesn't it? 587 00:22:57,179 --> 00:22:59,349 - Tammie. - You shoulda seen it. 588 00:22:59,354 --> 00:23:00,384 You should've seen it. 589 00:23:00,389 --> 00:23:01,216 [door thuds] 590 00:23:01,218 --> 00:23:02,458 Sheila just left. 591 00:23:02,460 --> 00:23:04,114 Why don't we continue with the role playing, 592 00:23:04,117 --> 00:23:06,323 you pretend like you're Sheila and you leave too. 593 00:23:06,326 --> 00:23:07,946 I can't drive. 594 00:23:07,949 --> 00:23:09,289 Is she driving? 595 00:23:11,366 --> 00:23:12,640 She's Tammie. 596 00:23:12,641 --> 00:23:15,151 [funky music] 597 00:23:17,538 --> 00:23:20,888 [funky music continues] 598 00:23:20,938 --> 00:23:25,488 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0